We often learn from the very beginning of our lives that our voices do not matter.  In so many parent-child interactions, it is expected that the child will not have a voice. It is the old adage that children are to be seen, but not heard.   I’ve always thought that ends up being damaging throughout our lifetimes. I know that has been true for me.

I never really understood why we had to “respect the adult”, even as a child. Was there something magical that happened at 18 that made us suddenly eligible for “respect”?  It seemed to me as a child that there were a whole lot of people that I did not feel comfortable respecting and doing as they said, simply because they had crossed that magical threshold of adulthood.  It didn’t mean that I was rude in any way towards someone, but I sure didn’t want to follow what they wanted me to do.  As a child, though, I didn’t feel brave enough to say no.

As an adult, I felt even more strongly that many, many adults were not worthy of the respect they automatically demanded due to age or status.  It seems to me that has often been a route for abusing that status and taking advantage of someone younger or weaker in order to feel stronger.  

After my first son was born, I began to think a lot more about respect and what that meant.  We are always told that children must respect adults.  Who actually decided that?  Do adults deserve respect merely for having reached a certain age?

 As I learned about how to be a mother and to start to understand this human that I had magically grown, it seemed to me that he deserved respect as well.  If he was tired or grumpy about something, didn’t he deserve some understanding from me about that?  I often feel grumpy and tired, too.  He may not have had words yet, but he was communicating his current emotional or physical status.  If I respected his needs at that time, it seemed to me that it could alleviate a lot of anxiety and frustration later on in life.  If he felt he was being seen and listened to, would that help him also develop the ability to see and listen to others as he grew older?  

By the time he was about 18 months old, I had come up with the three rules:

• No one gets to physically hurt another person
• Respect another person’s property
• Treat each other how we want to be treated ourselves

The thing about the rules was that it wasn’t only the rules for him to follow as a child, it was the rules that we all followed as a family.  Those were the rules that guided how we treated each other. 

How that looked is that even if I was angry with how he was behaving, I could not respond by physically hurting him.  I would never have done that anyway, but I grew up in a house that used spanking as a punishment, and I never thought it was a reasonable action. It was really the adult using their power to lash out in anger.  No one learns anything from being hit.  He also could not take a swat at me, either, as toddlers (and sometimes older kids) can do. 

Respecting someone’s property meant that even if a room needed to be cleaned, I couldn’t decide what was important to them and throw it out based on my own judgment.  There was always a discussion about what they wanted to keep, and I respected that.  The rooms may have been somewhat messier than was ideal, but they were about to keep what was important to them until they were ready to let it go. 

By the time my second son showed up to the family, my oldest was kind and gentle towards his brother and kept him safe.  He was even more so with my third son.  It ended up being a surprisingly calm household with boys.  Wrestling and roughhousing would happen, but they would stop when someone asked to them to or was in danger of being hurt.  It would never get to the point that someone was feeling completely unsafe with their brother.  The three rules created a house where everyone felt they were safe and could speak up when they felt hurt or in danger.

The third rule, treat each other how we want to be treated ourselves, meant that I would use a tone of voice that was respectful when requesting anything, and that I would expect the same of them.  There was some learning involved when they were toddlers about how to ask for things without a tantrum or yelling, but in helping them learn to communicate reasonably, we got to the place where interactions were, for the most part, calm and helpful.  I tried to respond to or at least acknowledge their requests so they knew they were heard.

Now, none of this meant that I was not the one in charge at all times.  That was clear to them because that is really about their safety.  If I yelled, it was because I needed them to stop doing something that could hurt them, such as stepping out into traffic.  A yell is much more powerful when only used in the context of safety.  They know I would make the final decision on anything, but I would also calmly explain why.

I had a great conversation with Son2 (middle son) a few years back about the fact that, as parents, we get our kids things that we did not have ourselves growing up.  I said that my oldest, if he became a father, he would get his kid a battery mini car for young kids.  He wanted one so badly when he was little, but it seemed extravagant to me, took up a lot of space in the garage, and never seemed to hold a charge.  Son 2 asked me the best question ever, “What did you give us as kids that you didn’t have a child?” That made me pause.  I couldn’t think of a “thing” that I got them that I didn’t have.  However, I am of the Gen X generation that was a typical latchkey child.  The joke is that we survived on hose water and neglect.  It’s not wrong. My answer to him?  “I gave you my time and attention.”   It was truly an honest answer.  Son2  agreed.  “You always listened to me when I would go on and on about Minecraft.  You must have been so bored!”  Honestly, I wanted to poke my eye out with those conversations, but whatever was important to him deserved that focus so he knew that he, as a person with all of his interests, was important to me.  

I am not a perfect parent by ANY means, but this was the start of the empathetic ground rules for our family, which really set the stage for a more peaceful home.  As I post more blogs on various topics, everything will relate to what empathy looks like in everyday interactions. This seemed like a good starting point to talk about because it was something I carried into my classroom as a teacher and to my team as a coach.

I believe with all my heart that empathy is the greatest healer and guide as we interact together, no matter what age.